Goodbye to 2012

In wrapping up this last year, and looking ahead to the next, I felt I would like to share my experience over the last few months.  I feel ready to blog about it, and do this in part because of the strength and comfort I gained from a similar blog written by a wonderful woman I was introduced to through this trial- in hopes that making my experience public I can bring comfort to others who may experience something similar, and to express my gratitude for my loving Heavenly Father who has been by my side each day- even when it was hard for me to feel Him there.

It began one night early in September.  J was out of town at a convention for several days.  I was fighting off a cold, and took some cold medicine before I went to bed.  (Something I RARELY do).  I woke up around midnight with an overwhelming sense that something was wrong.  My skin started feeling like it was on fire- I dialed 911 and waited for the ambulance to arrive.  In the meantime my heart began racing and pounding to the point that I was convinced I was having a heart attack- and all I could do was lie on the ground and try to remain calm- praying the whole time that I would make it until paramedics came.  I was terrified that something would happen with the girls there, and no one to take care of them. 

I called a wonderful friend who sent her husband over to give me a blessing, and to take care of my girls.  He arrived in time to give me a blessing right before the paramedics took me to the hospital.

What came next was honestly a nightmare.  The doctors decided that the sudafed in the cold medicine had caused my heart to race and sent me home.  I still felt terrible.  I was jittery and was still experiencing flashes of my skin burning... Thank goodness for wonderful women in the ward who came together to watch my kids and to take me to doctors and stay with me while I felt like my world was falling apart.  I couldn't sleep.  My heart was racing.  I was dizzy and couldn't concentrate. I felt completely out of control and afraid. I went to a different ER and they gave me a sedative and told me to get in touch with my regular doctor.

To make a long story shorter... I had a panic attack. Which completely threw my body off and led to a battle with anxiety and panic attacks which is continuing, but is getting better.  Prior to this I had no idea of what anxiety (in a clinical sense) really was.  I had never struggled with anything close to this before.  I felt like I was a pretty go-with-the-flow kind of girl.  I liked doing things that were a little scary.  After this, with my body's ability to deal with stress completely thrown off, everything scared me.

In my worst days, in the beginning, my girls woke up and came downstairs for breakfast, and I felt terrified.  I didn't feel like I could pull myself up off the couch to do it.  Getting them dressed and bathed felt like an enormous task.  Things started getting better.  I made it to church, but sat there feeling like it was a challenge to look around at everyone around me... I drove the girls to dance class, and each time I started to have a panic attack I would focus on my breathing and sing along with the radio just to make it through.

As the girl who HATES feeling out of control.  Let's face it, I went through natural childbirth just to avoid the epidural- this has been incredibly hard.  I have felt like I was losing my mind.  I wished for my life to be over.  I just knew I couldn't live like that.  Each day felt like an Everest I had to climb, and I would fall into bed at night without hope of a restful slumber.  Waking up multiple times in panic or not being able to sleep at all.

But it's said that every cloud has a silver lining, and even this darkest cloud in my life began to show it's lining.  I found others who had been through similar experiences.  Surprisingly many others- women and men who live wonderful, normal lives.  Girls who I have looked up to and had no idea had struggled with something so huge.  I realized that life goes on.  That things will get better.  I had priesthood blessings.  I fasted and prayed.  I began to feel and understand in a fuller way my Heavenly Father's love for me.  I came to realize that this trial was not going to be taken away from me right away- and maybe it will be with me always.  I came to understand that it's God's will that I go through this- and that He will help me to bear it.  He has compassion for my suffering, as any loving Father would have compassion on his child.  But he also has my best interest in mind, and there are things I need to learn through this experience.  And it's getting better.  I began to be grateful for this trial.  As crazy as it sounds and although some days I still struggle and have to fight the desire to question why this had to happen to me, I realize how much my testimony has grown.  I've had to depend on my Heavenly Father to get me through each moment of the day.  I've sunk to my knees in prayer, wondering how I am going to make it and begging for help... only to hear my phone ring with a friend or family member on the other side.  I've watched answers to my prayers and have developed a close relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I've grown closer to my dear husband as he has shown great strength and compassion on my hardest days.  He's been my cheerleader, comforter, and help-meet in so many ways, and I don't know how I could have done this without him.

And things are gradually returning to normal.  At first I would have bad days, and finally experience a few days of relief.  Then the good days lengthened out to a week, then some more bad days and finally I made it to nearly four weeks where I felt great! I've heard this is normal, and that the bad times will get shorter in duration until they pretty much fade away.  I've learned how to deal in a better way with those bad times, and they have drastically lessened in intensity.

It's been an experience that I will never forget.  One I dearly hope to never repeat.  And one that I know I will always be grateful for.