PPROM

We felt sure that things were getting better.  Then last Wednesday, the 12th, I noticed that my bleeding looked a lot more watery than usual.  In the morning I kept feeling leaking, but when I went to change my pad it didn't look all that bloody.  I thought it was a little weird, and of course instead of calling my doctor I just worried about it all morning.  Joey came home for lunch and when I told him what happened he insisted I talk to my doctor, who insisted that I head right over to labor and delivery to get checked out.
We were sent down to Maternal Fetal Medicine (the high risk pregnancy docs) and the ultrasound showed that sure enough, my water had broken.  There was basically no amniotic fluid left around the baby.  We then were counseled about all of the risks that this posed to our baby.  Insufficient lung development.  Physical deformities, severe mental handicaps.... And those are only IF the baby can make it to at least 24 weeks, which is legally considered the earliest age of viability (although we have heard a few success stories as early as 23 weeks).  At this point I was only at 20 weeks.
We made it clear that we are unwilling to terminate this pregnancy.  Regardless of what we will face once he is born we will do everything in our power to save our child's life.  The doctor accepted this and said that we wouldn't have to talk about it again, and that we didn't need to worry about the odds because all that matters to us is what happens in our case, and there have been cases of babies making it for quite a while after PPROM (preterm premature rupture of membranes).  He said the one bright spot in this whole situation is that other than the PPROM, the baby seems to be completely healthy!  He is growing fine and knowing that the rupture was probably due to my bleeding makes it slightly less worrisome.
The biggest concerns at this point are my going into labor, having a placental abruption, or getting an infection.  Infection is really the biggest concern.  I was put on 3 different antibiotics- 2 which I took for a week.  Now the doctors will monitor my white blood cell count and I have to take my temperature daily, since infection could lead to severe complications for me.  If infection does develop then the waiting is over- the baby will be taken immediately.
This stage of the pregnancy has been such an intense roller coaster ride.  We are aware of the risks as we continue the pregnancy, but each doctor seems to have a different opinion about how things may go, or what we should be doing.  We've even seen dramatic changes in the attitude of one doctor over different visits.  It almost feels like they respond based on our demeanor when they walk in.  Like it's their responsibility to make sure our worry level is exactly in the right place.
We had one night when we were composed and feeling hopeful, and the doctor proceeded to remind us of all the problems we were facing, that the baby was unlikely to make it, and we needed a plan regarding at what point we would choose to deliver the baby because the risk to my life and future fertility (if I get an infection or bleed out) is potentially so high.  She made it seem like the next problem we faced (at this point I had been rehospitalized due to an increase in my bleeding) could be putting my life at great risk.
We spent a night of tearful praying and confusion, to have her come in the next morning acting hopeful and saying that sometimes these things can still turn out okay, and to not lose hope!
She had me discharged from the hospital with instructions to follow up later that week with the office, which we determined was a sign that she wasn't overly concerned about my life and safety at the moment, and we went home reassured.

In the middle of, and adding to, all of this stress was the knowledge that we are about to wrap up our time here in New Jersey.  The girls and I had been planning to move a little early, with Joey finishing up work and moving out to meet us the very beginning of June.  Now I was stuck here- where in the best case scenario I would deliver my baby at a hospital nearly an hour away, where he would remain in the NICU for quite some time.  Joey would have to move out to begin his new job, leaving me here with the girls, a child in the NICU, and no home (I'm sure we'd find one to stay in. Just saying).  Or in the worst case our baby wouldn't make it, and would be buried in New Jersey where I wouldn't be able to visit his grave, unless we had the body exhumed and moved across the country.
Then one night late last week Joey came to my room and said he'd been praying about our situation and giving it a lot of thought, and he felt like he had been given the answer so to hear him out.  He said he wanted to fly me out to Utah now.  The baby could be buried there or remain in the NICU there.  I have lots of family and a great support group for me there, and in the long run we will likely be apart for less time if I go out early.  I laughed and told him it sounded like a nice plan, but it would never work.  The doctors would NEVER clear me to fly due to everything that has happened.  I wouldn't even let him talk to me about it, and kept telling him we could talk once he told my peri his
great idea... Because she was seriously going to laugh in his face.  (This was not one of my finest moments as a loving, supporting wife).
But the more I thought about it I was beginning to soften to the idea.  It began to feel right, although I was still sure the peri would shoot it down immediately.  We met with her on Monday and Joey calmly explained our reasoning and asked her what she thought.  She said "I think that's a great idea."  My jaw dropped to the floor.  She said she'd get my records in order and to take them with me, and to let her know how everything goes.
On the way home I continued to lament all of the other problems we would face in trying to move me like this.  My insurance doesn't cover Utah... Tricare won't switch me over until the 1st... The specialist there has a 2 month waiting list...
Within a day we had worked out the insurance so I will be covered the entire time, and I had scheduled an appointment for next week with my new peri and bought myself a ticket to fly out over the weekend.
So it's strange to realize that tomorrow I leave New Jersey for good.  There is no way I would attempt this if we didn't strongly feel that it's an answer to our prayers.  But it definitely is, and so tomorrow I will board the airplane in faith that all will go well as I travel, backed by my wonderful New Jersey friends and sisters who are fasting for my safe journey.  We still have a long road ahead but I know it's in God's hands.