William Emmett Kayne

Our sweet baby boy, William Emmett Kayne, was born on February 28th at 2:36 pm.  He was 10 1/2 inches long and weighed only 14 oz. I had been hoping so badly that we would make it a few more weeks, but at 23 w 0 days I woke up to sharp abdominal pain.  I was worried that maybe I was getting an infection (which was the biggest threat once my water had broken), until I noticed that the pain would only last for about 30 seconds and then go away.  I soon realized I was having contractions, but I had been having braxton hicks daily for a couple of weeks and so I hoped these would just fade away as well.

I finally started timing them after a few hours and although they were quite painful, they were consistently 30 min - 1 hour apart.  They continued like this until around 11 am when suddenly I had a break of 15 minutes, then 10.  We called the OB and headed over to labor and delivery.

The OB told me that since labor is an early indicator of infection, they would do nothing to stop it.  Our only hope was that the contractions would stop on their own.  That hope soon faded as the contractions kept getting closer together and stronger.  My OB had been trying not to check me in case the contractions stopped, but finally decided he needed to.  I was dilated to a 6 and William was already trying to come.

The NICU doctor hurried down to talk to me, and spoke to me about the outcomes we could expect from William's early birth.  Since the water had been broken for 2 weeks at this point, and he hadn't received any steroids, the probability that he would live was minimal, with a 100% chance of severe mental and physical handicaps if he did make it.  We decided that we would take only comfort measures rather than put him through such invasive procedures during his short life.

While losing our baby boy has been the hardest trial Joey and I have ever been through, there have been definite blessings along the way.  I was blessed to make it long enough through this pregnancy to have him in my arms to hold for a short time.  The doctor really didn't expect him to make it through the delivery, but he was a fighter and held on although his heart nearly stopped with each of my contractions.  I was able to make it to Utah where I was surrounded by family, although I missed Joey dearly and wish with all my heart that he could have been there for William's birth.  William was able to be buried in Utah, where we hope to end up, and where we will be able to visit him. He was born early enough that we weren't faced with a hard decision to fight for his life or to allow him to pass.  Had he been born even a week or two later, I'm sure we would have done everything to give him a fighting chance.  But as it was, the moment he was born he was placed in my arms, where I was able to hold him and cherish him for the short hour he lived.

It has been incredibly hard.  Honestly harder than I ever expected it could be.  I've gone through every emotion imaginable and still rotate through them day to day and hour to hour.  I ache for my baby, and yet feel peace that all is as it should be.  I still have moments where I don't understand, where I feel angry, overwhelmed with grief.  But these moments pass and I feel quietly reassured that this was our Heavenly Father's plan for our family.  That William is safe and happy.  And I feel blessed to be the mother of such a special baby, who because of Jesus Christ's Atonement and Resurrection I can look forward to one day holding in my arms again.  How grateful I am for that wonderful gift.